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Insecurity in marriage: How, why, and what to do about it?

insecurity in marriage

Marriage is a commitment that is best made on the basis of two foundations: love and trust. Love is the deep emotional connection that you feel between the two of you. Trust is being transparent to him or her about your actions and thoughts. If insecurity in marriage sets in, the seemingly invulnerable armor of marriage now has a crack. To prevent this chink in your armor, consider the two foundations.

Understand the two foundations

People who want to get married or are already within the bounds of marriage should have a clear understanding of the two foundations of marriage. It is only through the appreciation and reception of these bases that you can truly prevent insecurity in marriage.

What is love?

The first one is love. What is love? The first definitions that come to mind when people ask about love are the ones from the movies. Here are some of the popular ones (from Buzzfeed):

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with?” – Meet Joe Black

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.” – Moulin Rouge

“I love you very much, probably more than anybody could love another person.” – 50 First Dates

“I was looking up… it was the nearest thing to heaven! You were there.” – An Affair to Remember

Love, as defined by the movies, is very endearing. The combination of emotions that the character feels during the whole movie will make you want to experience love, too.

But the problem with most movies is that they show the audiences only the first level of love. This level is called the pursuit. Scriptwriters choose these kinds of storylines because this part is mostly feel-good and exciting. This is also where obstacles and hindrances in the relationship get interesting.

But what do you do after overcoming the pursuit? Most movies are not created for this section of love because it is mostly boring and repetitive. This is called the maintenance level of love; in other words, it’s the things you must do to keep the love alive in your marriage.

You cannot survive a marriage without maintenance. And love can disappear over time if there is no maintenance.

Why is love relevant to insecurity in marriage?

Have you seen movie scenes where the lovers jump off horses or make huge leaps just to reach the other person?

Preventing insecurity in marriage goes both ways. It requires you to have the boldness to jump to the other side or to the running horse to reach your lover. It also demands that you do everything that you can to reach out to your spouse and receive that special person with open arms.

Insecurity in marriage, in its most basic sense, means a lack of confidence in the relationship. If you are the one feeling insecure, perhaps you feel you aren’t enough for your spouse. Or that love cannot sustain your bond as a married couple. Maybe your mind keeps saying these things that feed the insecurity:

  • “I am not beautiful or handsome enough.”
  • “I am not skinny enough.”
  • “Whatever I do, he will always find someone better than me.”

These thoughts are sad. But they are indeed present for several people.

Many couples feel insecure in marriage because they feel that there are people better outside the relationship who can steal their spouse away from them.

Love prevents insecurity in marriage

Love involves two things: emotions and actions. If you do not have both, one could argue that it’s not love. For a marriage to be completely full of love, you must have the emotions to back it up. You want to care for that person and be cared for by them.

Love can be felt deeply through actions. A love that is only shown in words may not feel totally fulfilling, at least not as much as when the emotion translates into acts and movements. What would you do to care for that person and how will they care for you too?

Insecurity is recognizing that something does not feel right in the relationship. You likely would not feel insecure if giving and receiving genuine love in the marriage. Preventing the anxieties and worries can be done by telling your spouse that you love him or her and then showing through action.

Security’s basis is in the fact that you do not have to worry about anything. You can feel loved through one or more of the following ways:

  • Your partner’s gestures
  • Daily affection
  • Intimacy with one other
  • The effort that you both put in to show your love
  • Ample amount of time together to feel and stay connected

What is trust in a relationship?

Trust is completely different from love. You can have trust in someone but do not love him. Trust is something that is freely given to someone who has earned it. But you do not have to love that person in order to earn the trust.

To give you a figurative meaning of trust, create a mental picture of two cliffs. One cliff represents you, and the next cliff is another person. As you start developing your relationship with each other, you are slowly constructing a bridge between the two of you. This bridge represents trust.

As you overcome obstacles in the relationship, you build your trust in each other. You are slowly getting connected. A bond is being made between you and the other person. The more experiences and problems you overcome, the closer you become to each other.

When the bridge fully connects one cliff to the other, the trust is completely built. This represents the feeling and the decision that you make when you want to get married. You trust this person to never let you go. You know that he will fight for you. Your decision to marry someone lies in the fact that you completely put your trust in this person to love you and not break your heart.

Trust in marriage quote

Trust complements love

As I stated above, you can trust someone even without affection or love. It’s just that experiences and situations have presented you with indications to trust this person.

Love can also exist without trust. The people who have this kind of love can never exist without their spouses but rather check every email, every text, and the places where the spouses conduct their work or business.

To prevent insecurity in marriage, trust must be present. You must both have trust in one another. Trust keeps you sane and helps you sleep soundly at night. Without trust, the thought  can creep in that “is something happening that I don’t know about?”

Going back to the bridge concept, once the bridge of trust is complete, you know in your heart that he or she is the one that you should marry. What happens if this individual does something that tarnishes the trust?

The ropes get cut. Some of the planks fall down into the abyss. As more things hurt you and the marriage, the bridge of trust deteriorates further.

Trust prevents insecurity

Trust is something to maintain and protect to prevent insecurity in marriage. When your spouse commits actions that cause the bridge to lose its attachment to you, then you will likely start to feel unsure.

That emotion can spiral into thinking about personal imperfections. And ruminating on those negative thoughts, starting to wonder what you did wrong and doubt yourself.

Not only is that bad for self-confidence but also really hard on your overall wellbeing. Insecurity in marriage is setting in.

To prevent this insecurity, the bridge must stay intact. Do not do anything that can damage or destroy the bridge of trust. Do everything in your power to protect and guard it. You must ensure its safety and wholeness every day and every night.

You can do this by guarding yourself against temptation, avoiding situations that may cause you to break your marriage, and by assuring your spouse regularly of your love

What happens when you maintain the trust in your marriage? The bridge becomes fortified. Your connection is stronger than ever. And you can rest on the truth that your husband or wife loves and has trust in you. Marriage also reinforces, strengthens, braces, and supports the connection.

Conclusions on insecurity in marriage

The foundations of marriage are important to maintain, take care of, guard and check regularly for a long-lasting, strong relationship. Only then can you prevent insecurity in marriage. As you thwart anxiety and self-doubt from creeping between you two, maturity and joy in the marriage can flourish.

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