For anyone that has seen a loved one battle with alcoholism, they will tell you – without hesitation – it was the worst time of their life. It doesn’t matter what else they have been through. There are just so many layers of pain, none of which you can quite comprehend. The frustration of banging your head on the wall. The hurt of seeing the shell of a person you love, knowing that it isn’t them inside. The pain of not knowing who will greet you when you wake up tomorrow. And the devastating realization that there’s nothing you can do; you have exhausted every option, spend every ounce of energy and come up short. That is a horrendous feeling.
Unfortunately, you can’t grab them by the shoulders and shake their demons out. You can’t force them to stare at their dark mist in the eyes or have them admit they need help. That has to be a personal decision. They have to reach a point where they want to change.
This doesn’t mean you have to just sit by and spectate as life pulls them apart from the inside out. There are ways you can help the alcoholic you love, and that is exactly what this post can help you with.
Understanding what this disease is, and what it is doing to your loved one, is one of the hardest tasks you can undertake. But it is so important that you arm yourself with as much sympathy and knowledge as you can. Learning why alcoholics can’t stop drinking is the only way you’ll be able to stop hitting your head against that concrete wall.
Treading on eggshells is part of the battle and learning how to communicate with them is a delicate learning curve. You need to stay calm while being honest, showing that you are doing this out of love and care and nothing more. You need to show that you want to support them without them thinking you are forcing their hand. That’s the balance you need to strike.
They have a problem, which is drinking, and that means you need to help them find a solution. But by doing the research you are showing that you care and that you understand, and this could well break down their walls. They want help. All alcoholics want help at some point. So help them understand their options. If you think rehab is the only legitimate option then click here. Otherwise, it is worth looking into detox options, outpatient treatments, counseling and support groups or even looking into holistic methods. The clear you can explain these, the more your loved ones will know where they want to go for help.
One of the most damaging things you can do is try and talk to your loved one while they are under the influence. They are drinking because they are at their most vulnerable and most troubled. Instead, try and speak to them when they are sober, which is usually in the morning. As for encouraging them to open up to you, and to have them listen to what you have to say, we recommend you approach them in a place you believe to be private and, if possible, tranquil. Life is all about timing, and this circumstance is no different.
As you know I went through several years of addictions. There were many who tried to hold me accountable, some were friends and others were family. It caused me to withdraw further each time.
Rock bottom came 41 years ago with admitting I was addicted to alcohol and drugs, legal and or otherwise. Many people were supportive but I found my peace in nature and creation. It was a long hard fought battle but I stand today with 41 years of sobriety behind me. Each new day is a gift after experiencing the freedoms.
Each day that passes I so very thankful for the love that has been shown to me. The addict no matter the addiction has to be the one who makes the decision… it can be done.
Hugs and all
Thanks for helping to bring these problems into the open and the encouragement you give people!
A helpful post – thanks for sharing.
It’s a tough position indeed. My father was an alcoholic. He never did want help. The head banging against the wall is something I resonate with .. I felt I had to learn acceptance and it really helped me when I did as I was a calmer person for my dad when he did surface. Thank you for bringing this important subject forward. xx
This is such a painful yet important topic.
Alcohol is so dangerous because it is
considered “socially acceptable” & holds
far less stigma than other substances.
We rarely travel at night since the instances
of drunk drivers & hit & runs keeps escalating.
In Europe people are more likely to use public
transport or take a cab home, but here in the US
people regularly get behind the wheel while impaired.
So alcoholism affects many more people than those
with the addiction. It is very troublesome the amount
of advertising used to promote “light beers” or wine
coolers. When we moved the US we were shocked that
there were drive-thru liquor stores, you can actually buy
alcohol without getting out of the vehicle. Really shocking.
And now we have grocery stores here that include a place to sell alcoholic beverages.. it is separate from the rest of the aisle but still within the store. So it’s extra convenient; a one-stop shop. I’m worried this might encourage most drinking, and it’s not always responsible, as we know. You’re right abut the danger and less social stigma of liquor. Thanks as always for your insights, 924C.
My grandma spent much of her life trying to deal with my grandpa’s alcoholism. Going to Al-Anon seemed to help a bit, but in the end, it’s hard to see why they stayed married, but I guess it makes sense as co-dependents often end up with addicts.
As I read your article, Christy, all I could think was, “Thank goodness I’m not in that predicament.”
I’m so glad you don’t have this stress on you, John.
Compared to some poor souls, I lead a charmed life. #Grateful
Gratitude is a wonderful quality!
I want to say this is a fantastic article but in reality it simplifies a very complex problem. I agree with ‘Rollyacabotbooks’. The addict has to make the decision for themselves. No amount of talking, encouragements, guidance, research or love will make them stop. It has to be their decision. The more you press the issue the further they withdraw. My daughter started drinking during her high school years. When she left for college it increased tremendously. She came home for a weekend visit, I could smell the alcohol. I saw her imbalance and her words were slurred. She became angry at everything I said. I thought I was being genlte and loving. She bolted out and I never saw or heard from her for 10 years. I didn’t know if she was alive or dead. I searched in vain. One day, I received a letter. A letter those in AA have to write, as one of their steps, to those they have hurt. It was a glorious day.
She has been sober 12 years now. This past May she graduated from college with a masters degree at age 39. She began a new job in July, in the field she studied, as a hospice psychologist. I only mention these things to show alcoholics can stop drinking. But, at a price for those who love them and only, only when they want to stop.
I apologize for the long comment but I still carry a great deal of pain because of the disease of alcohol. Thank you for the platform.
I understand and sense your pain in each word, Isadora. All comments are appreciated, including those that vary from what is written in the posts. Always. I’m thankful your daughter is 12 years sober xx
Thank you 😎
A very difficult topic to conquer Christy. Bravo for writing about it. I lived with an alcoholic for too many years. Naive as I was, it took me a few to realize he was one, considering I’m barely even a social drinker. In the end, I was lucky to get out alive. I too thought I could help him, but the reality is, they have to want to help themselves. :) xo
Only when they are ready to help themselves – usually after reaching the bottom – will this happen.. I hope he got help, Debby… I’m glad you’re safe and healthy xx
Thanks Christy. I doubt he got help and am grateful he’s far away from me. :) xx
You have a healthy mindset ((thumbs up))
Thank God, lol :) <3
I highly recommend that people who love alcoholics read “Codependent No More,” regardless of how unpleasant (or inaccurate) the title sounds.
As for my mom, I didn’t know she was drinking again until the day the hospital called to tell me she’d been admitted and that I needed to come get her things because she wouldn’t be going home. I guess that’s for the best in my case.
Thanks for sharing about that book… It’s a fine line with how to effectively communicate with someone misusing alcohol.. appreciate your story – and that you are safer now xx
Originally “Fire Water” was sold to the Native Americans, since they
could not be bought as slaves, it has completely decimated entire
generations of natives, & it painfully still continues today. Alcohol
abuse has a very long dark history in the United States of America.
Sending love & well wishes to anyone affected by the disease.
Thank you for your insights and note to anyone affected.. and that extends to the family and friends of the alcoholic.. I hope you have a nice weekend ahead
Great post! One thing that I would also suggest is AlaNon meetings. They provide advice and support to loved ones of alcoholics.
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