Maintaining a strong relationship takes work, and it’s even harder if you find yourself hoping your partner, relative, or friend will be “perfect.” As clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Marie Manly explains in her new book The Joy of Imperfect Love, genuine and healthy relationships aren’t perfect by any means. Building a healthy relationship involves time, effort, and good communication with the help of tips like the ones below from Dr. Manly, which she expands on in her book.
Guest Post from Dr. Carla Marie Manly
Are you struggling with conflict avoidance? Do you wish you had the keys to open and effective communication? Our communication skills—or lack of them—makes all the difference in the health of our relationships. As a clinical psychologist, I’ve discovered that the secret to healthy communication is found in the art of connection. Whether communicating with a romantic partner, a family member, workmate, or friend, my tips will help you turn difficult discussions into bonding conversations.
Tip 1: Create the Space: Invite the other person to share in a conversation in a space that is neutral, quiet, and free of distractions.
Tip 2: Agree on Communication Standards. Create basic mutual standards to guide your conversations. A few common basics include setting aside cell phones and turning off televisions.
Tip 3: Lead with clear intentions and respect. Strive to know your needs going into the situation. Be as clear as possible on your needs and concerns so you can express yourself clearly.
Tip 4: Be present with a resolution-oriented mindset. Enter the discussion with a mindset geared toward collaborative resolution. Consciously let go of any defensive, combat-mode mindset.
Tip 5: Focus mindfully on emotional regulation. Anxiety and anger get in the way of healthy conversations. The acronym HALTS reminds us that emotions are harder to regulate when we are feeling hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stressed/sad/sick, so set yourself up for emotional success.
Tip 6: Empathize. Issues tend to deescalate when a simple, “I hear that you are angry” or “I get that you are frustrated” is offered. Merely validating another person’s feelings can be game-changing.
Tip 7: Allow for differing opinions.Honor others’ perspectives and opinions with genuine respect. We build inner tolerance and resilience when we listen to, entertain, and honor others’ opinions.
Tip 8: Keep name-calling, abusive comments, sarcasm, and other contempt-based behaviors off-limits. Avoid toxic commentary; research shows that verbal abuse is as destructive to the psyche as physical abuse.
Tip 9: Use constructive, direct statements. Strive to say what you do want in a kind way rather than focusing on what you don’t want in an attacking way.
Tip 10: Avoid threatening, relationship-ending commentary. Fear and distrust naturally fester if the relationship is threatened; carefully choose connective words.
Tip 11: Honor “buttons” and triggers. Strive to be wisely aware of the other person’s triggers and buttons; use awareness of a person’s vulnerabilities to create trust and safety.
Tip 12: Avoid Interrupting. Allow one person to talk until they are finished; this practice fosters self-restraint, tolerance, and respect for the self and others.
Tip 13: Focus on one issue at a time. Avoid bringing old baggage into a conversation. Focus on the issue at hand and avoid “red herrings” or other misleading, distracting, and avoidant maneuvers. If old or new issues arise during a discussion, make note of them and agree to address the issues later.
Tip 14: Maintain caring eye contact and open body posture. Warm, respectful eye contact and open body posture support a relaxed, positive attitude and facilitate connection.
Tip 15: Make space for imperfect communication. Because we are imperfect, our communication is often imprecise. Respectfully allow for mutual self-correction and clarifications.
Tip 16: Take time-outs as needed. If things get sticky, confusing, or heated, take a respectful time-out. State the length of time needed, destination (e.g., a coffee shop), and a reconnection strategy for return.
Be gentle with yourself as you embrace new, healthy communication techniques. It takes time for new skills to become firmly hardwired in your brain, so do your best to practice these tips during low-stake conversations. As the concepts become more familiar, you’ll be able to use them to move through more difficult discussions with confidence and ease. We’re all imperfect, so allow yourself—and those you connect with—a bit of grace as you learn and grow.
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Concepts noted above are from Dr. Manly’s book The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships.
About today’s writer, Dr. Carla Marie Manly
Dr. Carla Marie Manly—clinical psychologist, podcaster, author, and speaker—resides in Sonoma County, California. In addition to her clinical practice focusing on relationships and personal transformation, Dr. Manly is deeply invested in her roles as a consultant and speaker. With a refreshingly direct and honest approach—plus a dose of humor—Dr. Manly enjoys supporting others in the ever-evolving journey of life.
Her novel self-development paradigm builds resilience, emotional intelligence, and self-esteem. Highlighting the importance of loving connection, her work also focuses on helping others create deeply connected and satisfying intimate relationships. Working from a transformative model that honors the body-mind-spirit connection, Dr. Manly offers holistic relationship and wellness seminars around the world. Her four extraordinary books, The Joy of Imperfect Love, Date Smart, Joy from Fear, and Aging Joyfully highlight Dr. Manly’s empowering approach and profound expertise.
Top photo of Dr. Manly taken by Jeneanne Ericcson. Used with permission.