From Chaos to Calm: Unpacking Holiday Stress with Dr. Monica Vermani

Today we’re talking about coping with holiday stress with Dr. Monica Vermani! In this conversation, the clinical psychologist explains the origins of impatience during the holiday season, the stress-wellness connection, managing expectations, and more. She offers strategies to navigates the ups and downs of this time of year. I asked her about crowds, anxiety at the holidays, and more. Let’s get to it!

Dr. Vermani, what causes impatience in so many people during the holidays? Stress? What is the connection?

We may think of it as the most wonderful time of the year, but for many people, it is the most stressful time too. There is a lot of talk about Holiday stress, and rightly so. We are bombarded with depictions of shiny, happy people living their best lives, sitting down to perfectly prepared feasts, and exchanging expensive perfect gifts… not only in print media and TV but on social media as well.

Many people feel distressed and overburdened by these unrealistic and lofty expectations, where the relentless Holiday media hype seems to creep in earlier every year. The desire to please others in today’s over-commercialized, consumerist Holiday culture sends a lot of people scrambling to do more, to spend more, and to make everything perfect. The problem with all this running around and making things perfect is that it requires a lot of time and energy… finite resources!

Add to this the increased social pressures of spending time with colleagues family, and friends — which often includes traveling to do so — and it’s no wonder that many people find the Holidays stressful and overwhelming.

When stress shows up, how does our body respond?

When stress shows up in our lives, it’s a sign that our activity levels (mental activity and physical activity) are surpassing our energy levels. When we are running low on energy, we become impatient, frustrated, irritated, stressed, and start to feel overwhelmed. The seemingly endless demands of Holiday shopping, decorating, planning, and preparations, on top of day-to-day life tasks and responsibilities feels unmanageable.

Stress is the body’s red flag that says: Hey, either lose some of the responsibilities and activities you engage in or boost my energy levels! Managing a good state of health and energy allows us to feeling control and capable to manage stressful situations or uncertainty that can bring up problems or irritations. Basic energy level boosters include proper healthy nutrition, enough quality sleep, exercise, and breathing practices to connect better with ourselves. And, lastly, maintaining a calm state of mind by dealing with problems so we respond versus react.

What are the signs that stress is a problem?

Stress is a problem… and like every problem we have in life, stress manifests in three distinct ways: as physical/physiological symptoms, like headaches, muscle tension, fatigue, abdominal distress/stomach upset, sleep problems, panic attacks and lowered immune function …As negative thoughts, including feelings of overwhelm, self-doubt, and negative forecasting/catastrophizing, and in our maladaptive behaviors and lifestyle choices, as episodic anger, eating too much or too little, relying on drugs or alcohol to wind down after a challenging day, or — especially in the weeks leading up to the Holidays — overspending on gifts, decorations, people pleasing, overextending and socializing excessively.

Why is patience such a difficult thing to control sometimes?

Patience is said to be a virtue, but it’s a virtue that is often in short supply when we most need it! The Oxford Dictionary defines patience as “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”

When everything is running smoothly in life, when we have enough time and energy to complete our daily life tasks and responsibilities, we have the capacity to be patient. We don’t find sitting in traffic, a long line at the check-out aisle at the grocery store, or dealing with bustling crowds or a thoughtless person enraging or overwhelming. We are unlikely to lose our cool with the person who cuts in front of us in line or serves us poorly. We can take things in stride and take a breath rather than react in anger or frustration.

Learning to manage and reinforce being in a healthy, good state for ourselves is a skill, and this skill allows us to be more tolerant, calm, at ease, flexible, and capable, to manage life and people better. We struggle more when we don’t accept people… including ourselves or accept situations as they are. Acceptance is a mindset we can have better, when we manage a healthy state where we have proper energy reserves.

This is what stress is:

When we are tired, drained of energy, and feel overwhelmed — in other words, when we are stressed — our ability to feel, think and act at our highest and best declines significantly… and we can sometimes act out in anger and behave as our lowest and worst selves!

When we feel ourselves losing patience on the road or in stores during the holidays, what do you suggest? What can we tell ourselves to help?

When it comes to dealing with Holiday stress, my best advice is a two-pronged approach. First, there are things we can change in the way we approach the Holidays to make them less stressful and more enjoyable. These strategies will help you manage your finite resources of time and energy!

Give from your overflow, not from your well. Think of your time and energy as being contained in a well. What is in the well itself is what we need to complete our responsibilities and life tasks. Whatever excess we have… that’s what we have to offer to others. Treat the contents of your well as valuable and precious.

Learn to say no when you do not have time or energy to spare. Manage your time and energy wisely. Be reasonable and practical about what you can take on and what is too much. Be your own VIP… very important person and prioritize yourself, your health and your energy.

Stay on track with healthy eating, regular sleep, exercise routines, taking moments throughout the day to breathe deep, nourishing breaths, and spending time doing things you enjoy rather than giving yourself over entirely to Holiday shopping and preparations. (By the way, the food we eat, our sleep, and a positive, calm state of mind are our four sources of energy, so maximizing these self-care fundamentals helps keep our energy levels high.) This enhances our state to manage better our day to day life and stress levels.

Manage your expectations and the expectations of others. Anticipate possible delays, crowds, and frustrations, and be prepared to accomplish less than you hope and plan for.

Especially during this time of the year, if you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, please give yourself permission to set limits on your time and your spending. Lets give from a place of comfort and authenticity than people pleasing and overextending.  Be mindful of self care and don’t sacrifice your health and wellbeing for the sake of others.  Realize that it is ok to say no!

Allow others to share your burden! (This one is for the perfect hosts and hostesses out there.) If you’re hosting a party or a Holiday meal, ask for help if you need it, and let others contribute their favorite dish, their hand-made centerpiece, their family’s traditional appetizer, or dessert.

Learn to say no! If you’ve over-booked your time and you’re feeling overwhelmed by social commitments, take control and politely decline an invitation or two.

Make time for self-care. Continue to carve out time for rest, hobbies, self-care practices (e.g., reading a book, having a bubble bath, decompressing with a night in with takeout and watching a favorite show, sleeping early, etc.).

Can you also add some tips about managing your feelings, thoughts, and actions when emotions run high?

Pause, reflect, and take a deep breath: We connect to ourselves and mindfully ground ourselves through our breath. Our breath is the only thing that occurs moment to moment, and so focusing on your breath takes you out of your head and places you in connection to the present moment.

Act rather than react, and consider the intention, quality, and nature of your response before reacting: Matching someone else’s frustration or outrage is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Respond with as much calm and kindness as you can rather than escalate a problematic situation.

Depersonalize the words and actions of other people: Often, when someone is upset, agitated, or at their wit’s end, it is rarely about other people. Rather, it is a culmination of their experiences, thoughts, and challenges in their life. Not personalizing the actions of others frees us from feeling threatened, hurt, or harmed and helps keep tempers in check.

Model calmness: Give someone who is escalating space, and listen actively to others. This will let the person know that they are heard. Sometimes, when someone feels respected, heard, and understood their anger shifts. They start to feel validated, understood, and respected.

Avoid the horn and negative hand gestures to express your anger or frustration in heavy traffic. Your anger won’t get you where you’re going any sooner or change the volume or pattern of traffic.

Get off the road if you’re feeling as though you need a break or need to calm down or remove yourself from someone who has targeted you. Prioritize your personal safety over teaching another driver a lesson, or expressing disapproval of the inconsiderate driving habits of another person.

Practice gratitude: Shift your focus from being stuck in bad traffic to appreciating how comfortable and warm your car is, the great interview you’re listening to on the radio, or the wonderful music playing, and you will soon find that your driving experience has shifted from irritating to manageable and enjoyable!  Try to see what you have [rather] than what you lack.

I have an anxiety disorder. How can I prevent the holiday season from making it worse?

Lower your expectations of yourself and of others. Remember that often, things do not go as — or as well as — intended. Get comfortable with imperfection.

Be compassionate with yourself. Consider making a brief appearance or saying no to an invitation if you’re feeling overwhelmed by social commitments.

Reinforce positive thoughts with self-talk that reminds you of your strengths and capabilities when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Be mindful about your self-care. Stick to healthy routines and schedules during the Holidays, rather than abandoning your healthy habits that keep you grounded.

Be kind to yourself. Rather than put pressure on yourself to please others, be the perfect host or party guest, or have the best Holiday season ever, set reasonable expectations for yourself and others.

Remind yourself of all that you have, all you have accomplished, and the people in your life

What do you suggest during the holidays to make it a bit easier for those who don’t like shopping?

Consider alternatives to traditional Holiday gift-giving or shopping. Many people find it less stressful to give gift cards or shop online than enter into the fray of Holiday shopping arenas (malls!) or feel overwhelmed and paralyzed by choices and options while in-person shopping.

Identify potential one-stop shopping destinations. A reluctant shopper might find it easier to buy everyone on their guest list a gift from a single retailer … like a book store, a home goods retailer, or a store specializing in outdoor gear.

Get creative with your gift-giving. Rather than give traditional gifts, gifting friends or family members with a dinner, an outing, a cooking class, or a weekend getaway eliminates the need to shop and sets the stage for shared joyful experiences in the year ahead.

Crowds can overwhelm me. Is that true for most people? Why?

Some people enjoy the buzz and the bustle of Holiday crowds. Others dread such settings and situations and avoid them at all costs. But at some point, even the most enthusiastic shopper or parade attendee can feel as though they’ve hit a wall.

The reason this happens is sensory overload! It is simply not natural or typical for most of us to be in close quarters with hundreds of people at a time. Furthermore, stress and fatigue — so often a part of life during the Holiday season — can also leave us vulnerable to feelings of overwhelm in crowded situations.

We experience sensory overload in different ways. Some people use the term ‘mall head’ to describe the overwhelm they feel when shopping in a crowded indoor shopping mall. Some of us are highly sensitive to noise, some to the proximity of other people, others to odors, other single factors, or various factors in concert with one another.

Whatever the triggers, when our senses become overloaded we can start to have trouble focusing. We can become afraid, exhausted, and feel the need.

What are some solutions?

Here are a few simple tips to manage overwhelm and plan for managing crowd stress:

Know your limits: Decline invitations to participate in outings where you know you will feel overwhelmed, or limit your exposure to an hour or two.

Create an exit plan: Before you go in, know how you’re going to get out! With careful planning, you won’t feel stuck or overwhelmed. When you’ve had enough, you can execute your exit plan.

Be prepared to make a quick exit if someone you are with expresses a wish to leave.

Pay attention to your feelings. Imagine that you have a one-to-ten tolerance scale for being part of a crowd (ten being high and one low). When you’re tuned into your feelings, you can choose to make your exit when your tolerance level has declined to a six or five rather than bottomed out.

Consider arriving early or staying late to an event to avoid the rush of the incoming or outgoing crowd.

Is there anything else you want to add about patience, the holiday season, or therapy?

The power of gratitude
We need to remind ourselves of the good we have in our lives, what brings us joy, and to bring in gratitude as a means of decreasing depression and anxiety, improving our moods, and even improving our immune systems. When we feel gratitude, according to neuroscience, our brains release the ‘feel-good’ neurotransmitters, of serotonin and dopamine.

These neurotransmitters — via practicing gratitude —enhance our mood. And when we feel better, we interact with the world more compassionately, from a more grounded and calm place.

A lot of people struggle at this time of year.

Many people, quite understandably, feel distressed at this time of the year. Many people who do not celebrate the Holidays in any way struggle with feelings of isolation and loneliness. Some people struggle with emotional triggers of dysfunctional childhoods and sad memories related to the holidays. People who struggle with alcohol and drug use can find social gatherings extremely stressful and challenging to navigate.

Many people struggle with painful memories from their childhood or have gone through a breakup and are adjusting to new holiday traditions without their children or a companion around. This is also a time of year when those grieving the loss of a loved one find their grief intensified. And it’s all happening at a time when we’re all feeling the loss of sunlight, during the shortest days of the year, when many people struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder and its most serious form, Seasonal Depression.

For anyone who is struggling during the Holiday season, realize that you are not alone and that there are people who can help you with evidence-based treatments. Allow yourself to be kind and gentle during this chaotic time of the year.  We all need to foster compassion for ourselves and others during the holiday season, regardless of whether you celebrate this season or not.

About Dr. Monica Vermani, C. Psych.

Clinical psychologist, author, and TEDX speaker Dr. Monica Vermani specializes in treating adults suffering from trauma/abuse, mood, anxiety, and substance addictions. Her latest book, A Deeper Wellness, provides readers with evidence-based strategies and tools to create a deeper, more authentic, and enduring sense of well-being.

She is a debut TedX Talks speaker on How we can all improve our mental health (on YouTube). Follow her on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook.

Thank you for being here, Dr. Vermani! Your insights here will help me navigate this season, for sure. From managing expectations of myself and others to paying attention to maintaining my healthy habits, my eyes are open. I feel more aware and prepared.

What do you take away from this conversation? Which of Dr. Vermani’s tips for managing holiday stress do you plan to integrate this year? What are your go-to strategies for maintaining well-being during the December hustle? Comment below!