Stevie Turner, the author of The Daughter-in-law Syndrome, stops by today to guest post. Let’s give her the floor.
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Out-laws guest post by Stevie Turner
We as mothers spend years nurturing our children and trying to do our very best to give them a good childhood to remember, perhaps even better than the ones we had ourselves. Sons (and daughters too, but I am writing here of the mother/son relationship) are our moon and our stars.
Of course, there are exceptions, but I’m going to write on a general level here, and assume a strong mother/son bond.
This mother/son bond is formed sometimes while the fetus is still in the womb, and as time passes and the boy blossoms and grows, that bond is strengthened further still. Therefore it comes as rather a shock when the boy becomes a young man starts staying out late and begins to forge a life of his own in which the mother suddenly finds to her chagrin that she has very little input.
One day the son brings home a girlfriend for his mother to approve, but whether she does approve or not is irrelevant. Her moon and her stars decide it’s time to move in with his girlfriend and leave behind all that is familiar. His mother cannot even bear to look at this stranger who has taken away her pride and joy, and senses that the mother/son bond might be unraveling before her very eyes.
Such was the scenario I faced when my husband Sam first took me home to meet his parents. His dad was lovely, but oh dear, his mother Jean was not. After a curt ‘hello’, Jean then proceeded to direct all her conversation to Sam and ignore me completely.
Stevie Turner: What happened next
Tensions were further increased when I couldn’t eat all the dinner she produced, being used to far smaller plates and less food. After we were married she grudgingly allowed me to call her ‘Mum’, but whenever I phoned she automatically assumed it was Sam ringing and always said “Hello Sam” straight away after recognizing our number. After about 25 years of it, I finally snapped and replied “Hello Dad.” There was a strained silence, but she never did it again.
Sam of course never wanted to take sides and tended to stay out of it. Jean often told lies to her daughters about something nasty I’d said to her or done. One of Sam’s sisters told me only recently that she had never believed her mother, but unfortunately, the other sister did and hardly ever spoke to me.
However, 37 years have now passed. Jean is now nearly 90 and has mellowed somewhat. I don’t know what she has said to her daughters, but now both of them speak to me and invite us for family get-togethers. Jean recently told me that my sons are a ‘credit’ to me, causing me to nearly fall off my chair after I received this first compliment ever from my mother-in-law.
I’m a quick learner. When my sons brought home their wives-to-be, I went out of my way not to be like Jean. I get on well with my daughters-in-law, and never turn up unannounced at their homes, or criticize their child-rearing skills however much I would like to! I smile and nod a lot.
Inspiration for Stevie Turner’s book
So you see, I had much to base the character of Edna on in The Daughter-in-law Syndrome. When Edna meets her son Ric’s wife-to-be Arla for the first time, Arla suffers just the same as I did, although when it’s time for Arla to be a mother-in-law it takes her a lot longer to come to terms with the loss of her moon and her stars than I did.
We all have to adjust to our adult children leaving home and making their own family lives away from us, and for some parents, it’s a bitter experience. However, it doesn’t have to be. It’s all up to you!
Where to connect with the author
You can find Stevie Turner writing at:
Her Self-Titled Website and her WordPress Blog
Amazon.com, Amazon Author Page (worldwide), and BookSprout
Also, connect with her on social media at:
My ex-boyfriend’s mother hated me the whole time we were together. Then after we split up I was the best thing ever ?!!! My current boyfriend’s Mother thinks I am “Golden Girl” I can do no wrong even though I can’t speak Gujarati or make a curry which previously had been prerequisites for his future life partner 😊
Oh dear, I hope I’m a better mother-in-law than that. I know I am!
Interesting post ! I thought it happens mainly in India, now I feel it is an universal phenomenon !!
So great to find Stevie here today Christy. And I loved this little tale of the moon and the stars. I”m looking forward to reading this Stevie, and as they say , . . there’s much truth in fiction. :) <3
Thanks for the re-blog ladies!
Thankfully Jean seems to have stopped slinging mud now. I even get messages from her on my iPad with little kisses at the end! It’s taken 37 years but we got there in the end.
My first mother-in-law was like yours Stevie. He was in the RAF and only back every third weekend. She would insist he drive her everywhere despite her driving all week herself.. A long story short.. after several tough years she told me that the reason he strayed was because I was not a good wife.. for example I did not iron his underpants… my retort was to tell her that I would be happy to do that as long as he was wearing them at the time! I do think in hindsight that she made him the man he was and I was so young at 20 that I had no chance. My second mother-in-law on the other hand welcomed me with open arms despite the fact that we had met, got engaged on our first date a week later and married in 6 weeks.. We lost her far too soon.. Terrific post.. hugs xxx
Thanks Sally – I enjoyed reading your comment. And why didn’t you iron his pants? I thought every wife did that (LOL)! This reminded me of when I gave up work when my first son was born and we had barely enough to live on. Sam made the mistake of mentioning to his mother that I’d bought him some cheap underpants from a boot sale (they were still in their original wrapping and had not been worn). Mother-in-law was aghast, and sent him 3 new pairs of pants through the post! She also sent him chocolate biscuits through the post when I mentioned that we didn’t eat them. By the time they arrived on the mat they had crumbled to a fine dust.
Now if only I had thought to buy him used underpants! How funny about the biscuits.. crumbs.. I won’t go into the three years of the divorce process in 1977 – 1980.. that would be book in itself.. if there was a gold medal for mud slinging she would have won it! hugs
Sounds familiar – at least the sons moving on with their lives part. It is tough being relegated to the back burner!
But not for long… wait until the grandchildren come along. You will be much in demand!
Interesting reading… I thought of Oedipus (and the Oedipus Complex) as I read along…. Too much to ponder here. 😌💛 love and best wishes
Not quite sure that applies here? It’s more a mother being jealous of another female taking first place in her son’s affections when it used to be her. Thanks for your comment.
Stevie… Hi… It applies in a psychoanalitic sense. And it is not something “sexual” (although its roots could be sexual and the psychoanalitical explanation is, of course, sexual) . In the Oedipus complex, a boy is fixated on his mother and competes with his father for maternal attention. This has its counterpoint in the so- called Jocasta Complex which is the special place the mother gives to his son; maybe feeling jealous of his potential partners… The “Complex” is complex, as it has many stages and it pretty much affects relationships in general… and people involved. Best wishes! ;)
Thanks for the info – I’ve never heard of the Jocasta Complex!
Good post! I have heard many similar horror stories. Fortunately, I had a wonderful mother-in-law.
Consider yourself lucky! Thanks for your comment.
Thank you Christy!
My pleasure – I look forward to reading the book!
Hope you enjoy it!
:)