Why Aren’t We Having Sex Now? How to Stop Fighting About Sexual Frequency (Guest Post)

Relationship expert Sylvia Smith is the guest post author today. Welcome, Sylvia! Read on to find out what she says about intimacy problems and feel free to leave her a comment too.

Your sex life is a great baseline for how your relationship is going. Couples who are intimate multiple times a week report not only higher relationship satisfaction, but they experience a closer bond with their spouse. However, those who aren’t engaging in intimacy in a relationship well know the damaging side-effects the lack of sex can bring.

Intimacy problems can create lasting damage in any relationship. Aside from the fact that sex feels pleasurable, it also connects you and your spouse. So naturally, going without it can not only bruise your ego and your trust in your mate, it also bruises your emotional connection to your partner.

We’re looking at intimacy problems in a relationship and what you can do if you’re not getting enough sex.

Open up bedroom discussion

Learn how to talk about sex clearly with your partner. How you open up the discussion can be likened to opening up the door to let in fresh air. Photo from Pixabay

Open up the Dialogue

Intimacy in a relationship is an important conversation to have. You can’t expect things to change if you don’t voice your desires to your partner. You can stop fighting about sexual frequency by opening up a dialogue about it.

If you need to be touched a certain way, require more sex, had a bad sexual experience, or need something more from your sex life in order to feel comfortable or excited, tell your partner. They cannot read your mind.

Make Out

Some couples have trouble with their sex life not because the partners are disinterested, but because they are going from zero to 100. Instead of asking your partner for sex, try getting them warmed up.

For many couples, once sex has become a part of the relationship they begin to forget about other important aspects of physical and intimate connections, like kissing and making out (without it leading to sex).

Having these make out sessions where you focus on passion, instead of lust, builds sexual anticipation and reconnects you and your spouse.

Create a Sex Schedule

One way to stop fighting about sexual frequency is to make a sexual schedule. This is great for busy couples or new parents since it ensures you’ll get the most out of your sex life. For example, by scheduling sexual intimacy on the weekend’s neither one of you will be too exhausted from work. It will allow you to de-stress from the week and perhaps even find a babysitter for that evening.

Break Your Sexual Routine

You may need to break out of your sexual routine in order to stop fighting about sexual frequency. One reason many couples stop having sex, or stop having sex as much as they used to, is because they are bored.

Spice up your sex life with toys, sex games, monthly boxes, role-play and more. Even adding new elements, such as having sex in the living room instead of the bedroom or renting a hotel for the night and pretending to be a “one night stand” hookup, will bring excitement back in (or out of!) your bedroom.

Address Emotional Issues

Intimacy in a relationship depends a lot on your emotional connection. If this has been damaged, intimacy problems will follow.

If your relationship is under stress, perhaps because of jealousy or lack of time together, it’s important to address these issues before you expect to be sexually intimate with one another.

Intimacy problems occur when there is a betrayal in the relationship or couples aren’t putting effort into continuing to “date” one another. Think of fun or relaxing ways to spend time together, practice showing nonsexual physical affection such as hugging and holding hands, and talk to one another regularly like best friends.

These simple actions will do wonders for helping you to reconnect on an emotional level.

Stop Criticizing Your Spouse

One of the reasons you may not be having sex is because you are too critical of your spouse, in and outside of the bedroom. Saying hurtful or critical things to your spouse will certainly not make them want to jump into bed with you.

Always be thoughtful about how you speak to your partner. Showing your spouse dignity, respect, and saying kind words of appreciation will deepen your connection and give your sex life a more favorable outcome.

Initiate Sex Clearly and More Often

Misunderstandings are often the source of perceived “intimacy issues”. Consider this example. A wife comes into bed in a short nightie and moves close to her husband, setting her hand on his chest. What she perceives as a come-on, he perceives as bedtime cuddling.

Some women and men feel awkward about initiating sex and therefore don’t know how to convey their desire.

The husband in this scenario may have been more than willing to become physical with his wife, but to him, the message wasn’t clear. To be more obvious, the wife may have straddled her husband, kissed him, and moved his hands along her body. This message is crystal clear.

Your partner cannot read your mind. If you want to be more intimate with your mate, initiate sex more often and in a clear manner. Vocalize your desire for sex or be obvious about it.

Take a Sex Quiz

There are many sex quizzes you can take online that will help you understand your partner better. Go back and forth answering questions regarding preferred sexual positions, frequency, fantasies, and other preferences.

You may think you know everything there is to know about your partner’s sex life, but you may uncover some new information.

These quizzes are fun and naughty in nature. Don’t be surprised if you both find yourself in the mood after quizzing one another!

See a Doctor

Having sex is about more than physical pleasure. It’s how couples connect emotionally. So when you turn your partner down for sex you make them question your desire for them. After consistent indifference to sex, they may begin to wonder if you are having an affair. This can be damaging to their emotional well-being.

Having a low sex drive can make you feel indifferent about having sex with your partner.

If you find yourself with a low libido or no sex drive at all and it is creating trouble in your sex life, try making an appointment with your doctor. Often times intimacy problems stem from a lack of testosterone in both men and women.

Intimacy in a relationship is one of the healthiest bonds you can maintain. When your sex life begins to dwindle it may be a sign that there are deeper problems in the relationship. Curb your intimacy problems by being open about your needs in the bedroom and changing your sexual patterns.

About Sylvia Smith

Is lack a sex a problem in your home?

Sylvia Smith explains about how to work through intimacy problems in a relationship. Photo via Sylvia.

Sylvia Smith is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage. She is a featured writer for Marriage.com, a reliable resource to support healthy happy marriages.

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6 thoughts on “Why Aren’t We Having Sex Now? How to Stop Fighting About Sexual Frequency (Guest Post)

  1. Here’s a doozy for ya… my ex-husband withdrew from me for years, and I would insist on basically having sex once a week. Well after a search warrant and the confiscation of all of his electronics, I learned a thing about how his so-called low sex drive. Turns out it was quite raging and focused on highly inappropriate forms of pornography. To top things off, he abandoned me and fled the country. So my fair warning and word of advice is to take the amount of time a significant other may devote to online games or porn videos very seriously. Don’t look the other way. And if you ever think that person is closing incognito Chrome windows when you enter the room… they are. I know I am an extreme case, but just wanted to throw that out there since it is what it is and could happen to anyone. You think you know someone, and then bam!

  2. I remarried 3 years ago to a wonderful man. I am a widow, he was a widower. So we both had previous long term marriages to judge our new marriage on. One of the funniest things, in my opinion, was the way he and his his first wife handled sex. It was scheduled on certain days and only during certain time frames. I tried not to giggle when he told me this but….
    Now that I know him better and his sex drive I’m thinking about putting him on a schedule too 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  3. Pingback: Why Aren’t We Having Sex Now? How to Stop Fighting About Sexual Frequency (Guest Post by Sylvia Smith via When Women Inspire) – Micki Allen

  4. Personally I think having a sex schedule makes ‘sex’ seem rather routine,and subject to becoming a mundane activity… and then maybe it does seem to be like sex, and not making love; the two terms do not mean the same thing.

    Attitudes to sex also differ a lot with age, and I have read that one in three women over the age of fifty have little or no desire for sex – I am one of them, for my own particular reasons, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t like intimacy. And maybe that indicates another issue, perhaps the average guy thinks sex is only about penetration, and therefore is going to be disappointed with the likes of me – a lot of intimate pleasure can be had without penetration in my experience. I initiated a half hour snogging session on the back seats of my car with my now-ex bf a few months ago – it was the first time he’d ever done it, and he loved it! And that’s all it was… snogging!

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